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February 5, 2014
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more on daycare

It’s always been our intention for Edie to go to daycare when I return to work in March. However, as the time draws closer, we’ve second and third guessed that decision – mostly because of other people’s comments on the situation. As much as I wish I didn’t listen to anyone else, you do have to at least hear them and then decide what to do on the basis of all the information you’ve gathered. There is also the heavy weight of making decisions for another person!

We also considered a nanny (too intense cost-wise for 1 child and having another person in the house all the time), PORSE (unavailable in our area – if you are an ‘at home educator’ type in Central Auckland you should get in touch with PORSE) and one of us staying home (all aboard the fast train to Insanity Town).

Some pros of daycare:

  • Socialisation with other babies/children
  • Care by an educated professional
  • Allows both of us to work full time – sanity will be restored
  • Cost-effective

Some cons of daycare:

  • Not in our house. Edie doesn’t have naps in her own bed or stroller
  • Not one of us looking after her
  • Not 1 on 1 care
  • Exposure to germs and getting sick

We selected Edie’s daycare based on recommendations from multiple friends and acquaintances. I’d originally chosen one that’s very close to work but the one she’ll go to is closer to home. At the time of all the daycare visits we didn’t really know WHAT to ask specifically for Edie’s routine and needs but did cover off the more general stuff. Mostly we assumed they would know what to do – but as the time grows nearer for her to start attending full time I started to get nervous about the unknowns.

We spoke to one of our babysitters about it who used to work in full time childcare. She was great and, while it was a bit of a wake-up call, we asked a whole lot more questions* to either reconfirm from the material we’d been given or hadn’t thought to ask initially.

  • Will Edie have a primary caregiver?
  • What is a typical day like in the baby room?
  • Will she have an assigned cot, i.e. a sleeping space that is just hers, so if she is out of routine it won’t conflict with another baby?
  • How do they deal with her being on a routine, rather than a schedule? (I initially was pro-schedule but couldn’t figure out how to transition her on to it. The child eats when she’s ready, not when the timetable says, and since that’s every 3 hours we go with it.)
  • How will we handle changes of her routine between the week and weekend?
  • How often are the toys, carpet, room etc cleaned?
  • Can we call and ask about her during the day?

* This list assumes that all the general info has been covered off, like philosophy of the centre, ratio of babies to teachers, first aid qualifications, etc.

There are many things which prey on my mind about daycare.

I worry about whether Edie’s personality will change in a way it wouldn’t if she stayed at home with me.

I worry that she’ll miss us dreadfully and is too young to understand that we’ll always come back. I’m hoping a lot of short daycare visits will help with that – she has been ok when we left her with her grandparents on Waiheke or when she has had babysitters (though she’s usually asleep).

I worry about what they will do if Edie cries inconsolably. For a start, she rarely cries inconsolably so that would alarm me, but I also have to trust the caregivers to look after her in a way which is nurturing and caring since it can’t be me or Darren all the time. Since I assume this will only happen if she’s sick we’d be coming to get her anyway, because hopefully through the daycare visits she will get used to being there pretty quickly.

(I also worry about germs, that I’ll miss her horribly all day and various other things. The nights can be long.)

One of the best pieces of advice we were given was that we’ll be able to assess how it’s panning out with all our senses. If this daycare doesn’t working out, it doesn’t mean that another one won’t. If it turns out daycare just isn’t for us (and I don’t see why it wouldn’t be) we’ll figure something else out.

Daycare visits start next week – 3 weeks out from her first full week. On the flip side I can’t help being a little excited that I will be resuming a more ‘normal’ life…

February 1, 2014
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What I Do All Day When I Am Home With The Baby →

I have read this a few times now and every single time I laugh so hard I can’t read bits out to Darren anymore (who has also read it on my insistence).

It’s funny because it’s so true – especially the parts about the guilt, the Googling and the ??? time.

Wonder if there is some big thing I should be doing to help the baby’s development that I am not doing.

9:40 Sit on the floor and clap, hoping to teach baby to clap.  Baby will not clap.   Go online and Google, “How old babies start clapping?” and read article saying they start to do this more between 9 and 12 months. (Baby is 11 months old)

9:43 Spend the next few minutes going, “Well sh*t, maybe there’s something wrong with the baby.  He should be clapping more.”

9:47 Remind myself that he seems really well-adjusted and happy so maybe he’s just a late clapper.

See also:

Baby and I look at and point to the fan for a while, going, “Where’s the fan?  There’s the fan.”

November 24, 2013
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the guilt starts to creep in…

As I mentioned in a previous update, Edie will go to daycare full time from March 2014 (or nearly full time if we decide to try and work it so that she can spend 3 or 4 days at daycare with 1 or 2 at home).

Then something will happen, like she’ll have a sore tummy and one of us will need to hold her, comforting her and stroking her head until she is feeling better.

The dark thoughts start to creep in.

Who will hold my darling angel when she cries? Who will shush her and rock her and stroke her head? Who will sing Do-Re-Mi to her until she smiles again?

I love her more than I ever thought possible and I know how important it is to spend this time with her. Edie is absolutely too small to go to daycare now! However, I struggle with the “Groundhog Day” of nappies, naps, bottles, activity gym time, tummy time and walks. When plans get cancelled or I don’t have people to catch up with, I start to feel a bit crazy.

From 6 months old she’ll be fine there, right? With professionals who know how to extend her, help with her development and watch over her while I go and be an adult for a bit so I can be a better mum?

November 14, 2013
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Breaking Dad: The Stay-at-Home Life →

As we continue to discuss parenting roles and how to share them between us, this was an interesting article to read.

October 2, 2013
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the first ten days

First there is the hospital and that passes in a blur.

Then there is the second week and we hit the first weirdness about not working – there are of course the hormones, and the new schedule to adjust to, but the rules of the game have changed. The goal has changed.

What does success mean now? What’s a good day at the office – a marker to show how well we’re performing?

How do you tell what you’ve achieved in a day? Whether it’s been good or bad now depends on such a different set of parameters. You look for patterns of behaviour; try to rationalise inputs and outputs. You muse over tactics and strategies and then of course the midwife blows your list of questions apart with the sage answer: she’s a baby. Doing baby things. On a baby schedule – and this point, not even at her due date yet.

“She’s being a baby.” In other words, go with it. She’s too small for us to do anything else at this stage. We have to try and go with it. Relax…

September 21, 2013
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the beginning (which is, in some ways, more like the end)

I’m 37.5 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, Edith Zoe. I’ve had a great pregnancy (if you don’t count the dreadful 6 weeks of constant nausea and quite a bit of required sleeping). I went to Pilates until 36 weeks when I started to become less mobile and walk a lot. I still have my ankles and the weight gain is all baby. Working until this point hasn’t been an issue.

Yesterday was my last day at work for 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. I haven’t had this much time away from some kind of employment responsibility since I started working at 14. I like working. It is part of my sense of self and identity. I’m lucky to work in an area – and have a job – I love, collaborating with smart people who want to make great things.

At the end of my maternity leave – at this stage – Edie will go to a daycare which is very close to my work. I toured several local places and this one was the only one I’d be happy to go to myself. They have great facilities, a chef, well trained staff and it looks very well set up. A friend’s son goes there and adores it so much he’d rather go there than have a day off with his aunt to go to the zoo.

That should be the end of the conversation, because we have done a lot of research and we have a plan for how to move forward just as we would for any other aspect of our lives. However this is where people (you?) interfere: “But you’re having a baby. Things will have to change!”. “You won’t be back in 5 months. You’ll want to stay at home with your daughter.” “Work is just a job.” “Why have a baby if you’re just going to get someone else to take care of her?” (Or even less friendly ways of saying these things.)

None of these people are my husband, the only person who has a say in how our daughter’s care will be managed by us – her parents.

Of course things will change when we meet our baby! I may want to stay at home with my daughter – or I may continue to feel that she is better taken care of by a professional while I go and be a professional myself. Happy parent, happy child is our current parenting objective – and if it doesn’t play out like we hope, then we’ll change and adapt to do what is best for our family.

In my less emotional moments about this topic – one that I didn’t really expect to have to litigate so frequently – I know that some of this comes down to comparing choices. This is what I’m doing, so this is what I expect you to do. I would feel better if you were doing something more along the lines of what I expect of someone in your situation. This is what we have chosen for our family and what you are talking about doing is different to that.

Pregnancy has been a constant stream of decisions right from the start, from the important to the mundane. Doctor or midwife? Screening? What stroller to buy? Where will the baby sleep? What colour will her room be?

This is no different. It is no less our decision to make than any of the others. The only way forward is for us to be firm about our choices and as equally firm in the knowledge that it is up to us to manage or change what we have decided to do.

September 15, 2013
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working when you’re pregnant

I’m lucky to have a desk job in many ways – and I don’t at all think I would have been able to work almost the length of my pregnancy if I didn’t.

There are the days when you’re feeling sick in the first trimester but still trying to keep it a secret from everyone around you. Darren was insistent that we not tell anyone else (even my boss) until 13 weeks but I confided in one person at work because I knew I could trust her. I had to have someone nearby who understood what was happening if I seemed to be having an off day.

Once the news became public, the often well meaning advice and comments started. I was reminded by how random a collection people you work with can be and also surprised by how many people would tell me horror stories about their own or other situations. They would tell an expectant mother, hardly pregnant, excited but also nervous, about miscarriage, fraught labours with many interventions, chronic allergies and illnesses, never sleeping… some of the tales were outright frightening for a person who is already on a train that isn’t stopping until its destination. I learnt pretty quickly who had only bad stories to tell and started to outright avoid them, even on days when I felt great.

Midway through the second trimester I started to get the second wind I’d been promised. My 24/7 nausea was starting to become a dream and I felt great – almost not even pregnant! This was when I had to start making decisions like how long I’d be taking off, a topic which was wide open with no right path to take. I was sure a year just seemed far too long a stretch and decided to cut it in half to be safe – though I wondered if really 3 months might be enough. Without any real guidance it was hard to know what to do in this situation I’d never been in before – one where everyone’s statement was just that we’re all different.

I hit third trimester still feeling great. I’d only had 1 sick day the entire way through and I figured that while I had them there, it was going to be my goal to remain healthy and make it the whole way through the winter season without any of the bugs which travel through the whole office. The early nights, healthy food, drinking lots of water, hand sanitiser and the multi-vitamin definitely helped – I managed to make it all the way to my last day without sharing anyone’s bugs.

It was only at 35/36 weeks that the downside of my desk job started to present itself. By the end of the day I’d have a sore back, pelvis and/or hips; despite trying to take walking breaks (aided by the bathroom being on the other side of my floor) I really started to feel creaky.

What didn’t help was people at work asking about how tired I was feeling or expecting that I wouldn’t be able to do what I normally would. Apart from needing to swap a few lunch times to attend scans and appointments, I believe I worked at full capacity the full time – and would expect that unless someone isn’t, they should be treated like any other employee until they ask for help.