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October 2, 2013
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the first ten days

First there is the hospital and that passes in a blur.

Then there is the second week and we hit the first weirdness about not working – there are of course the hormones, and the new schedule to adjust to, but the rules of the game have changed. The goal has changed.

What does success mean now? What’s a good day at the office – a marker to show how well we’re performing?

How do you tell what you’ve achieved in a day? Whether it’s been good or bad now depends on such a different set of parameters. You look for patterns of behaviour; try to rationalise inputs and outputs. You muse over tactics and strategies and then of course the midwife blows your list of questions apart with the sage answer: she’s a baby. Doing baby things. On a baby schedule – and this point, not even at her due date yet.

“She’s being a baby.” In other words, go with it. She’s too small for us to do anything else at this stage. We have to try and go with it. Relax…

September 21, 2013
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the beginning (which is, in some ways, more like the end)

I’m 37.5 weeks pregnant with a baby girl, Edith Zoe. I’ve had a great pregnancy (if you don’t count the dreadful 6 weeks of constant nausea and quite a bit of required sleeping). I went to Pilates until 36 weeks when I started to become less mobile and walk a lot. I still have my ankles and the weight gain is all baby. Working until this point hasn’t been an issue.

Yesterday was my last day at work for 5 months. FIVE MONTHS. I haven’t had this much time away from some kind of employment responsibility since I started working at 14. I like working. It is part of my sense of self and identity. I’m lucky to work in an area – and have a job – I love, collaborating with smart people who want to make great things.

At the end of my maternity leave – at this stage – Edie will go to a daycare which is very close to my work. I toured several local places and this one was the only one I’d be happy to go to myself. They have great facilities, a chef, well trained staff and it looks very well set up. A friend’s son goes there and adores it so much he’d rather go there than have a day off with his aunt to go to the zoo.

That should be the end of the conversation, because we have done a lot of research and we have a plan for how to move forward just as we would for any other aspect of our lives. However this is where people (you?) interfere: “But you’re having a baby. Things will have to change!”. “You won’t be back in 5 months. You’ll want to stay at home with your daughter.” “Work is just a job.” “Why have a baby if you’re just going to get someone else to take care of her?” (Or even less friendly ways of saying these things.)

None of these people are my husband, the only person who has a say in how our daughter’s care will be managed by us – her parents.

Of course things will change when we meet our baby! I may want to stay at home with my daughter – or I may continue to feel that she is better taken care of by a professional while I go and be a professional myself. Happy parent, happy child is our current parenting objective – and if it doesn’t play out like we hope, then we’ll change and adapt to do what is best for our family.

In my less emotional moments about this topic – one that I didn’t really expect to have to litigate so frequently – I know that some of this comes down to comparing choices. This is what I’m doing, so this is what I expect you to do. I would feel better if you were doing something more along the lines of what I expect of someone in your situation. This is what we have chosen for our family and what you are talking about doing is different to that.

Pregnancy has been a constant stream of decisions right from the start, from the important to the mundane. Doctor or midwife? Screening? What stroller to buy? Where will the baby sleep? What colour will her room be?

This is no different. It is no less our decision to make than any of the others. The only way forward is for us to be firm about our choices and as equally firm in the knowledge that it is up to us to manage or change what we have decided to do.

September 15, 2013
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working when you’re pregnant

I’m lucky to have a desk job in many ways – and I don’t at all think I would have been able to work almost the length of my pregnancy if I didn’t.

There are the days when you’re feeling sick in the first trimester but still trying to keep it a secret from everyone around you. Darren was insistent that we not tell anyone else (even my boss) until 13 weeks but I confided in one person at work because I knew I could trust her. I had to have someone nearby who understood what was happening if I seemed to be having an off day.

Once the news became public, the often well meaning advice and comments started. I was reminded by how random a collection people you work with can be and also surprised by how many people would tell me horror stories about their own or other situations. They would tell an expectant mother, hardly pregnant, excited but also nervous, about miscarriage, fraught labours with many interventions, chronic allergies and illnesses, never sleeping… some of the tales were outright frightening for a person who is already on a train that isn’t stopping until its destination. I learnt pretty quickly who had only bad stories to tell and started to outright avoid them, even on days when I felt great.

Midway through the second trimester I started to get the second wind I’d been promised. My 24/7 nausea was starting to become a dream and I felt great – almost not even pregnant! This was when I had to start making decisions like how long I’d be taking off, a topic which was wide open with no right path to take. I was sure a year just seemed far too long a stretch and decided to cut it in half to be safe – though I wondered if really 3 months might be enough. Without any real guidance it was hard to know what to do in this situation I’d never been in before – one where everyone’s statement was just that we’re all different.

I hit third trimester still feeling great. I’d only had 1 sick day the entire way through and I figured that while I had them there, it was going to be my goal to remain healthy and make it the whole way through the winter season without any of the bugs which travel through the whole office. The early nights, healthy food, drinking lots of water, hand sanitiser and the multi-vitamin definitely helped – I managed to make it all the way to my last day without sharing anyone’s bugs.

It was only at 35/36 weeks that the downside of my desk job started to present itself. By the end of the day I’d have a sore back, pelvis and/or hips; despite trying to take walking breaks (aided by the bathroom being on the other side of my floor) I really started to feel creaky.

What didn’t help was people at work asking about how tired I was feeling or expecting that I wouldn’t be able to do what I normally would. Apart from needing to swap a few lunch times to attend scans and appointments, I believe I worked at full capacity the full time – and would expect that unless someone isn’t, they should be treated like any other employee until they ask for help.

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